To be loved Monday, Nov 2 2009 

Some say, some don’t

but we all want it all,

to be loved with a heart

so selfless and adored

 

To be taken care of

no matter how old

to be waited for

until the wee hours

 

To connect, be together

like you’ve been this way forever

to know that they know you

more than even you know

 

Share some secret smiles

feel that special touch

knowing you can find them with eyes closed

just by the fragrance you love so much

 

some say some don’t

but we all want to be loved

like we’ve never been loved before

 

we all want that love,

we cannot live without & die for.

A few better words..*updated* Monday, Oct 26 2009 

If only I had had

A few better words to spell

To open up my heart

to show you the feel

reach you, touch you

I’d say, you’d feel

If I had, a few better words to spell

 

Closer than when we touch

more real than what you see

deeper than what I say I feel

It could make everything be

If only I could pick, 

A few better words to speak

 

Sinking in, living within

every phrase from me

They’d keep us together

tied in strings unseen

A few better words, if I could read

 

Bring hope & love

tears of joy

warmth & peace

assuring I’m there

A few better words, if I had to make you believe

 

Get a smile to your lips

meet your eyes with my stare

Making the moment alive

break out of those ties

of distance and spaces.

Leaving just you and me

And a few better words, if only I could keep.

It makes me warm, this cold Thursday, Oct 22 2009 

In the mist of clouds like

I see clearly

feeling my heart and yours

It makes me warm , this cold

 

Ice cold nose tips

chiselled cheeks

cold hands and feet

Yet, it makes me warm, this cold

 

Its love, only love

romancing breezes

naughty fogs

games of love

its real, it’s a dream

 

Whisper to me, stay close

hold my hand

share a snuggle

I’ll make you warm in this cold

 

Hopeless and silly

young and lazy

every hope comes to life

it makes me warm, this cold.

A moment of love Tuesday, Oct 20 2009 

A moment is all it was
to feel and to be
A step you took
and half I did

It wasn’t planned
not in my head till then
But when the moment came
It all just happened

No a count to it
nor ticking clock did capture
a moment became a memory
in that very moment

My arms closed around your neck
or your lips pressed against mine
it’s still not clear if I close my eyes
as to what came first

My eyes were closed
but I wanted to see
how you were when it was ‘we’
and not just ‘u’ or ‘me’

Slow and soft
our lips were locked
like all had stopped
and only that it was meant to be

Our senses heightened
with every touch
wanting more & more of it
in those moments of love

We were closely knitted
like pieces of a puzzle
when the doors opened
of the elevator

my cheeks felt blushed
and eyes were shy
we moved out quietly
hands entwined

A poem: Open my eyes today Friday, Apr 3 2009 

Read here..

Chapter 1 Thursday, Nov 6 2008 

It was 3:45 pm and I was waiting at the reception lounge area, with the food still in my stomach and my digestive system deciding to crash and not read (accept) any input, my hair placed all over my shoulders (though I had just brushed them) and feeling like tearing off these uncomfortable formal shirt and trousers, the all I could do was sit there, pretending to be the most composed and trying so hard to stick my tummy in, which I thought might stop the jiggling but only made it worse.

 

This was the time after my two days of grilling round of interviews at ‘ESC Ltd.’ was over and I was waiting for the final results. I had my fingers crossed and all I could do was wait, one of the hardest things to do for me. This was soon to be added to my ‘the first-time’ list, which I only have stored in memory drive and maintain no hard or soft of same.

 

I had finished my college in June and took a 2 month course to get into the easiest part of the ‘IT;’ world – testing. My interview or should I say interviews has been stretched over two days, the first day was very smooth and I was asked about everything I knew. I walked out with confidence and triumph. I was happy and a little nervous about ‘what’s next?’ It was later that I found nervous was a very small word compared to what I was up for.

 

It was the technical interview to be taken by a manager, I reached on time and waited for 2 hours until he reached, the co-coordinator told me that his cab was late and so he will come late. This made think of only one thing, ‘his mood’, its like they say about your board examinations, if your examiner is in a good mood you get all your marks, else you’re screwed and no one can help you. It’s strange but many things are dependent on the ‘mood’ of others, here I was the lamb to be butchered. Before the manager arrived, I called Rahul, my college senior and now an employee at ‘ESCLtd.’ Rahul was a total ‘asshole’, apart from the fact that he looked like shit and had a good sense of humor, he was an out and out flirt (I don’t think there are any other types though), anyways, so he came to meet me and gotme a print out of the kind of questions I might be asked. Now this is the first thing that struck me, ‘a print out of what the other person usually has on his mind when taking interviews’, mind it wasn’t all written down somewhere, it was all collected data, put together from a person’s mind onto a print out. Silly I thought, but as long as it helps it’s good.

 

I sat there listening to Rahul, this was probably the  second longest conversation I had with him, the first being my ragging, when he stood only 2 feet away from my face and asked me ‘ Do I want to make any boyfriends in  college?’ andwhen I said ‘no’, he asked ‘ what do you think you’ll do in this forest place by yourself’ to which my response came even before I could think ‘ what would I do in this place with the boyfriend?’. Sounds as stupid as it did earlier. So Rahul told me all about the organization and how to brag and show off (which he is an expert at) and then he left me after encouragement, which I didn’t seem to require then but that was only till I had met the interviewer.

 

He was a short, dwarf if I may say kin dof man, visibly balding, wearing a blank expression anda pair of glasses on his face (you’ll find the most common part of techy people was glasses). He kept a French beard and let me tell you, didn’t even come close to looking like French. He called me into the interview room and asked me to sit. The room was the size of a cubicle, it was brightly lit and there were some artificial plants at one corner. Now why do we need the artificial flowers, it just adds up to the inhuman feeling the place has, like everything needs to perfect at all times, the people, the work, the flower. God! Well I was trying so hard to be calm. He asked for my resume and I passed it to him. It tookhim only 10 seconds to spot my weakness out of it and throw it in front of me.

 

“C huh? You have done a project in C”,

 

I couldn’t decide whether it was a question or comment, I answered anyways

 

“well yes, but it was long time back, I think in my first year”.

 

He looked at me with the same blank expression and I knew this wasn’t going to be easy at all.

 

“Anyways” he said “you always remember the basics”,

 

I was again not sure of the question or comment dilemma and started slurring.

 

“Yes, but I’ve not, you know haven’t much and “

 

”Can you tell me the……………………………………?” ,

 

So what should I answer ‘I can’t’, I tried to remember the word he was using, what it was and how I could say anything, just anything related to it, but my mind and otherwise sharp memory failed. I thought no point embarrassing yourself anymore, just be honest.

 

“Actually I don’t remember C, haven’t been in touch. I have done a course for testing and you can ask me anything about it”, there I threw a challenge at him and he didn’t even listen to what I said.

 

He went through my resume again and caught my second lie, “So you did training for Website applications?”

 

I blabbered immediately “Yes, it was only for 6 weeks, we only got to do documentation work”

 

“What documentation”

 

“Like we got the text that was supposed to be on the site and we needed to cross check if it was correctly uploaded”

 

He gave me that look, that lookyou give someone who is holding a pair of stilettos and calling it chappals, that look. I was holding on to my confidence, yes these are chappals, definitely!

 

“Ok” he said

 

“So, tell me the format that is used for all the documentations of websites”

 

“Format? We used to get the document in word only”

 

“Word?, no – no there is a format used for dot net files documentation tell me that”

 

“I don’t remember, we only got word file and had to compare them to the actual text on site”

 

“Its ‘text’ format, that is the only format used”

 

“Oh, ok” I said, like I had learned something new and will never forget it. We ll actually I didn’t forget it but it never helped me either.

 

“Do you know SQL?”

 

“Yes” I answered so confidently and regretted it the next minute.

He moved onto asking me many other questions on databases and SQL, he used terms I has once heard, learnt, scrabbled on the paper and forgotten for good. This is how I had completed my B.Tech. Learning the toughest subject and mastering it, teaching it to everyone (made me revise it thoroughly), pass my exam with good marks and then I would just forget it all. Notintentionally but it wasn’t my interest that’s all. If you ask me about a book I had read years back it will only take 2 mins to tell you what it was. The irony of my life an artistic software Engineer I am, and the two (artist and engineer) near seem to meet.

 

After about asking me many questions which I only answered half or quarters and sometime murmured the question again and again pretending to know but have forgotten, I think he got tired too.  He moved to other reasoning questions and asked me all types of puzzles, some I solved some I didn’t, he finally took my challenge that I placed earlier and moved to testing. He gave me scenario to fetch all cases we would test and said he would be back in 5 minutes. I looked at the question and completed it. This is how I have been all my life, master at the present skill and forgetting all my past ones. He came back and cross questioned the relevance of my answer. He couldn’t find one wrong and told me that we’ll meet again in an hour and I could take my lunch. Ya as if I could eat anything now. Anyways before leaving the room he also said with the same blank expression on his face ‘ I wouldn’t have called you again, if you hadn’t got this right” and left the room.

 

My heartbeat slowed down and hunger died (i hate not to want ot eat). I knew I was on the border and now I had to make it to the other side. I moved out of the room and went to the reception area. I dialed Farique’s number and told him I was free for lunch. AS soon as I disconnected the call Ravi‘s number flashed on my cell. Just his name was enough to make me feel disgusted and yet I picked the call, this was one day I was fooling myself, behaving like all those selfish people who pretend to be polite while they actually hate you, I felt little disgusted and helpless at the same time.

 

“You over with the interview”, even his voice sounded cheap to me.

 

“Ya, we’ have one more round after lunch”

 

“Ok, is  Fariquejoining you for lunch”

 

“Yes, he’ll be her in 5 minutes”

 

“Ok, lets go someplace nice, I hate the food here’

 

Crap he’s going to come with us for lunch, dealing with him for another hour, another hour was guilt, disgust and helplessness.

 

“Ya sure”

 

“Alright, I’ll be there in a second” and yes he hardly took a second to reach to me.

 

I gave a sheepish smile, the kind when you want to slap the first person who comes in front of you and blame them for the wrong in your life.

 

” So how did it go?”

 

“ok, not great actually too many technical questions nothing about testing”

 

“well the manager will ask technical questions only, whats wrong you look so gloomy”

 

“Nothing” I said, I wished it has gone well” I really didn’t want to talk and not to him at least.

 

” its not over right now, I know you’ll get through”” what did the guy say before you left?”

 

 “He said because you answered the last one correctly that’s why I am calling you for 2nd round”

 

“Really?” he was half smiling and half sympathizing. Jerk!

 

“Ya,” I said. Why did I always have to be so honest, why didn’t I lie or just say something and made the question disappear.

 

“So what you havethe next round na”

 

“Hmm”

 

We went downstairs and Farique was there. He asked me how it went and I repeated the same conversation as with rahul.

 

“Its gona be ok” he said

 

“So what do you want to eat?”

 

“I don’t know you guys decide”

 

“I can’t have pizza” Rahul said

 

“So then what?”

 

“You say”

 

“Anything will do”

 

“Ok, I’ll order some pau bhaji and some sandwiches for you”

 

“Ya that’s fine”

 

The guys went away to get the food from the self service cente and i sat there wondering what was coming next. the thought of leaving and running cam to me but that was far more humilating that what i would face.

The next 2 hours of interview were as grilling as earlier, but this time the manager had decided to take the HR questions area, although still maintaining the ‘Blank look’. He moved from ‘strengths’ to ‘weaknesses’ to ‘justify why you should be accepted?’, till i had thoroughly exhausted my impressive vocabulary and was only left with the not-so-impressive words. He decided to stop and said I should wait at the reception for the result. I thanked him politely and he said i needn’t as he will not be the only person to take the decision.

I am Nisha Singh, 22 years old, software test Engineer, part of ESC Ltd from past 15months, single, living with family, drink occassionally, quit smoking, total friends enough to be counted on fingertips, love life has ceased to exist and no matter how much i try to balance the scales of my life, i am always ‘too much’ on either side and this is my story.

That Dark night. Tuesday, Oct 7 2008 

It was one of my first awake nights, when I had grown up to an age when you don’t exactly start facing sleeping issues but do loose yours peaceful baby sleep ways. I lay in my bed and turned my head from right to left. It was dark as night (it actually was night). It didn’t take time for my eyes to auto adjust to the darkness and be able to recognize my surroundings,but it was still not clear to me that which side of the dorm I was in. My head tugged like a turtle looking outside his shell for the first time, my hands gripped the quilt tightly, I shifted my bum a little, I think it was my left bum but which part the little refers to I haven’t found out yet. I could clearly hear the sound of insects buzzing in the trees outside, they didn’t have any rhythm or theme, just buzzing and humming sounds together. For one moment I thought I’m not opening my eyes, but when curiosity arises it beats even fear( even though only for a few seconds, until fear comes back). I opened my eyes and saw something right in front of me. It was only a few beds away. I looked a little more carefully and i couldn’t look anymore. It was there, i had finally seen it, the ‘headless ghost of who-knows-who’. ‘Oh God!’ i crossed my fingers and gripped the quilt even more close, almost going to chew on it be now. I was very sure I would not survive to tell this story to others and sooner or later the ‘Headless ghost’ would be standing on my face and laughing out loud in the most deadliest way, but ‘he doesn’t have a mouth to laugh from?’ I thought, ‘Oh Crap! he’s a ghost, he doesn’t need to be normal’. I couldn’t stop thinking and I could feel my cold sweat beneath the heavy quilt, which by now I was buried into. Now what I was thinking. Why did I see him, why didn’t i just sleep again? Should I run to the matron? what if he catches me on my way, what if he can listen to my thoughts? Its actually a very handsome ghost (just a artificial compliment), what if its a she and not he?
I was running out of thought and plans as well, i gathered the courage to think of one plan and stick to it. I was going to slip on the ground with my quilt, crawl to the matron’s ward with the quilt over me and wake her up quietly and show her the ghost. If i am going to die, might as well she join me so the other children might get some peace. Such noble thoughts I get sometimes. Okay no time for self praise, I need to get going now.
As I started to move a little from my frozen position, I heard a loud ring. ‘Oh God! he’s here, I’m so dead! ‘ I froze again and it took me a minute or two to realize that that was the wake up bell of the dorm. I opened my eyes and saw girls all around waking, sleep walking, still sleeping. I was alive! yupee! then I turned my head to the direction I saw the ‘headless ghost’ and he was still there, only this time he looked like a shirt on a hanger put over a cupboard.

This happened when I was 7 years old and studying in boarding school. I really laugh a lot when I think about that night.

With her. Friday, Oct 3 2008 

She was the one with questions
I never had answers.
I thought of the nights
she loved the sunrise.
I loved winters and the cozy nights,
she lived on sunshine and spring.

Opposites you think,
so did I,
Attraction, was there?
just attraction wasn’t enough
She lived in my heart,
in my soul.
I lived to be with her
and never let go
It was all I had,
al i wanted
All i could think of
It was my edge
I fell of the cliff
Went too far
she tried to catch me
but i just couldn’t reach her
I see her everyday
Lost in the winters
but life in the sun
she couldn’t be more alive
but doesn’t notice I’m gone
I hardly knew her
so to speak
but i knew who she was
to me at least
my hope
my love
that smile i loved
lucky i have been
to be part of her mind
she never will forget me this way
but it took my life
the snow i loved
the cold i still feel
she didn’t have a purpose
but it did solve one
i was standing there
thinking of her
when she pushes me accidentally
pushed me bit to far
i see her everyday now
i live in her thoughts
i make her heart bleed at times
but I’m with her now

A Recent tale. Friday, Oct 3 2008 

In a land not so far and not many years ago, there was a girl, not in distress and neither a princess so, she lived with her family and no one troubled her. They loved her and cared for her. She has a father, who loved her like a father, a mother who was the best mother she could be, a sister so caring and supportive and a little brother who was so pleased to be with her. Then she dreamt of a family so rich and famous. She couldn’t help but change that too. She started living in her dreams and didn’t want to wake up, to meet the eyes of those who had always loved her so much. She dreamt more and more until she couldn’t bear it anymore. She asked her family to wed her to rich man. They found the richest person in the state and wed her off wishing her luck and grace.

She lived happily until she dreamt again, to find her home smaller and jewels lesser than that in her dreams. Her face faded off and she never wanted to look at herself again. She waited for the prince in her dreams but never saw the heart of the husband. She stoped living to live in her dreams, she found her life to be wrong anf dreams tobe real.

Until she woke up from her slumber and found that she had waited too long for the prince, he has come into her life, wed her and given her happiness,but she had slept over it all. She turned to search for her family, the family she wanted to exchange for a famous and richer one, but they were not there too. She had slept over it their love, their care, the love of her life and her happiness. She had slept over her life till this day, waiting for a dream to come true and not not cared for the reality of a dream she had never seen, but was far more beautiful than it seemed.

Life is a dream we live with open eyes, these pages of a our fairytales are read by the eyes. So seek what lies in front of you, want that you have, for happiness in dreams  is a lie, but life is happiness and fair.

First sight Wednesday, Oct 1 2008 

It was the first time she saw me. She gazed as if looking at a piece of art, trying to find what angle was right and what exactly went wrong. It took her minutes to realize I was there and not on her computer screen. It was our ‘first sight’ for sure, but ‘love’ it had always been.